Back to Reality.

I sometimes forget how nice it feels to be back with the family. 

At first, I was doubting my decision to go back with my parents but I am definitely 100% happy with my decision. It's such a great feeling to let go of everything and just focus on the people who love you so much and who you would give everything up for! The worst part is always the parting that comes on that Sunday morning. So much tensions and tears that are held back. Every time I look at my Mama, she looks like she's about to break down into tears and I can tell she tries her best to keep those tears back. Worry can be spotted in her eyes, and  I just want to hold her and never let her go. 

But, unfortunately, everything has to come to an end. 

It's always so great to be able to be your TRUE, ACTUAL self around your family. Not saying that I can't do that around friends, it's just a different act around the loved ones. 

On Friday, I found a folded up piece of paper in the library. I unfolded it (I was about to sit down in the seat where the note was placed) and I fell in LOVE with this person. 

The piece of paper contained a piece of work that was simply m-a-g-n-e-f-i-c-i-e-n-t! I didn't really know what to expect when I first started reading it but at the end of the poem, I had turned green with envy! This person knows how to write, and it's not the type of writing that should linger in the back, this is the type that I would expect to find in poetry collection. 

It was so visual and so touching that I was in awe. I didn't know what to do with myself but surely I was inspired. I kept the note with me and wrote a poem of my own (obviously not as good as this person's) and left it on the my seat for another person to find.

How nice would it be to continue leaving poems for everyone else to read and for others to be inspired like I was? 

Rewind, pause, play.

I have been struggling greatly these past fews days. Wondering about my future and how it will turn out. For as long as I can remember, I always envisioned myself with a stethoscope around my neck and that stainless, white coat draping past my knees. Yet, now that I look at how bumpy and the rocky the path actually is, I am completely stumped, at a crossroad, and contemplating which route is for me. There is a part of me that yearns to let go of my life-long dream, but an even bigger part that thinks this silly idea is perhaps just a misconception.
This is only my first year in college and I'm already on the verge of losing my sanity. I repeatedly have to keep myself in check and calm myself down. I occasionally find myself thinking of other life choices, but that's not what I want. I have never been the type of person to give up on something and start anew. I cannot let go of my childhood dreams and shatter my own destiny.
Unfortunately, I feel that more and more people are losing faith in me, just as I, myself, am losing faith in my future. My parents have begun to doubt my decisions and the choices I am currently making. My life seems like a big, black hole. Everything I love around me is being engulfed by the vicious empty space. Sooner or later, I too will fall victim to its trap.
I need to somehow escape and force myself back to reality! I need to focus on my dreams and keep those in mind ... because the horizon isn't too far from here. As long as the horizon is in sight, I shall be good to go.

For now, off to find the horizon. 

PASSION

"...the joy in life doesn't usually come in long stretches for hours at a time, month after month, year after year . . . but in moments."
- unknown

Overindulgence

The witty, short-stemmed flower rests amongst the rest; hidden, hidden in a deep array of variety. The others, roses and tulips and daisies, stand straight with confidence. Stand, flaunting their beautiful nature. The breeze from the south picks up and the flowers gracefully dance with the southern breeze. Their peaceful sway produces a melodious pattern and, one after the other, all flowers begin to excite. Yet, the short-stemmed flower seeks for protection from the neighboring plants. It begins to tremble as the breeze tickles its tiny stem and the tip of its leaves. The low confidence of the flower turns such a beauty in a wilting, helpless soul. Shame and belittlement overpowers the poor form of life.

Yet, the breeze picks up again and the air fills with glitter. The glitter that empowers the little flower and gives the flower hope. Hope to become something that no one else is or something that no one else can be. The glitter mixed wind weeds its way through the flowers and reaches the tiny, little figure. The plant straightens out and stands up straight. Straight enough so the crowd of flowers hoarding around are able to see him. The little flower whispers to the wind "Bring it!" and the glitter soon turns into little, white cotton flakes flying around the air. The witty flower has turned out to be the most astonishing miracle the others have seen. Miracle, yes, because overcoming oneself is the biggest priority of all.

To live for yourself and not care for others, that's the main lesson of life. Let miracles take place where you want them to, not where others perceive them to be.

To warp it all up

Today definitely had its perks...actually today only consisted of perks. Arrgh. The day started off with me waking up 15 minutes before my chemistry lab started, which meant I had NO time to get ready and had to run out the door and to the chemistry building in under 10 minutes. I come back from lab, 3 hours later, and instead of being a studious student, I fall asleep for 2 hours. Considering that my next class started 3 hours later, I still had to shower and get ready for the day. So, I get in the shower and my toothbrush holder falls down upon the shower stalls. Oh great! As I reach down to grab it, my foot slips and next thing I know, I am on my bum, in the shower, trying to pick up my toothbrush holder. EWW! Such a bad experience.

Math was just unbearable because I didn't know what I was doing, neither did my TA. An additional 3 hours of math constituted most of my day. Then, I come back to my dorm and have to face my favorite flower, Daisy! Not the situation that I wanted to add to my already drowning day. Yet, she continued to talk about her life and I really could give a damn!
And now, here I sit, studying for sex, starting on chemistry homework, and trying to comprehend the math. What a pleasant day.

Why are Tuesday's even included in the calendar? 


On a brighter note, tomorrow is a Wednesday and it SHALL be a better day. Bring it.

I've got the best of both worlds.

Although I should probably be studying for my midterms this week and next week, the power decided to play a little trick on me and went out! Hoorah for power shortages...only in my room though? I think I have been sitting at my desk, without the lights, for at least 10 minutes now. Com'on, this is no way to treat a person who is "studying" ;)
I am absolutely lovin' the dark silhouette of the tree from outside my window though. So mysterious, yet at the same time, so intriguing. It gives me the chills just because I don't know what to expect when I look at it. I feel like it's branchs are all going different directions and I have to decide which one to choose. Yet, as I approach these branches, they fade away onto the carpet in my room and it's just an empty mess. Oooh!
So, while walking to the math study center today, I experienced something inevitably amazing. Just out of nowhere, my mind went into poetry mood and I began to receite poetry. I just loved the way the nature around me was, everything was so clear and crisp. The leaves dripping with rain and then sound of distant crickets and insects. I actually truly appreciated nature today. I felt so calm by everything that was surrounding me that I definitely dreaded walking inside the building. But, everything has to come to an end someday. Oh, sweet, sweet nature. How alluring you are!

I swear that if the power goes out one more time, I'm going to turn ballistic!!

A Mid-Summer Night's Dream

I sit here, alone, on the day of the lovers. My heart races back and forth, back and forth, waiting for that special someone to knock. The minutes tick away and the impatience begins to rise. My hands quiver at every sound and my heart jumps at every pang. What's going on with me? Why do I feel like this? Feel as if there is someone actually worth waiting on.
The glitter of my pink nailpolish distracts me as I look down upon the keyboard in dismay. I stare at the puzzling nature of glitter, which helps me take my mind off of the horrendous things that I have been thinking of. The faint smell of red-velvet cupcakes take me away to another world. A world full of chocolate and love. Why does this world seem so fun? Why have I always wished to belong in this world? I quickly snap out of this world and look down upon the pink and white deliciousness. My mouth waters as I stare at the chocolate heart adorned in the middle of the cupcake. AH! Why do I keep doing this to myself? Snap out of it, Nitasha! Snap out of it!
The harmonious Antonio Vivaldi plays in the background and, again, I am in a completely different world. The music soothes my uprising nerves and my muscles begin to relax. I think my heart catch up to the pace of my brain and my life begins to slow down. Perfect! Just the kind of relaxation that I've been longing for. Yes, this day may be for the lovers, it may be to express your love, or it may simply be to tell someone how you feel about them. Yet, for me, this day doesn't hold as much importance as other days. Why? Because I have everything I need in my life. My life is worth living for, not worth waiting for.
And there ends the epiphany to my mid-summer night's dream.
Thank you, classical music, thank you very much.

Wherefore Art Thy Romeo?

"For sweetest things turn sourest by their deeds; lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds."

Oh, Shakespeare, what a writer he was. From love stories, to deaths; from poems, to stories. Sometimes, I wish I were as talented as this man. Writing has always been a passion of mine, yet to write on such an intricate and beautiful level like Sir Shakespeare, ay there's the rub! Out of all the writers/poet that I have ever come across, Shakespeare has to be on the top (along with the magnificent Edgar Allen Poe, of course!). I don't understand how pure talent can run so genuinely in these few people. Where, oh where, has my talent gone? Why have I not acquired such lavishing skills? If Shakespeare were alive, I would personally go to him and ask him to tutor me in writing. And perhaps, I could have a small chance of acquiring some of his talents.


Hmmm...perhaps I have found what I want to do with my life now?! 

More than me.

It's funny how you say one thing and then act another. My goal was to pass all of my midterms...I think I passed two. My chemistry midterm, on the other hand, was a total failure. I don't know what to do with my life anymore! I don't know if I should give up or strive to become better. I've been on a very thin string with chemistry already and I think this midterm kind of tore me away from it. If I don't pass chemistry, I won't ever be able to get into the profession I want. Yet...what exactly is this profession? In the corner of my mind, the corner with dust and darkness, I want to become a person that the world has never seen. A person that my parents would never imagine me to become. A person that would surprise all of my friends. And especially a person that I could enjoy. Now, before the finger pointing begins, I'm not trying to say my life sucks(completely), I just always feel incomplete. There is always this little piece of me that's just floating in, oh heavens knows where it's floating. My heart wishes I could write poetry, so I could become the next Shakespeare. My heart desires I was artistic, so I could become the next Picasso. My heart has so many desires that I don't think I will fulfill even one, let alone the hundred others. What am I to do with my life? I need a path because so far, I've been traveling in tall, hazy corn fields. And that just isn't cutting it. I want a clear, cut path that tells me what the calling of my life is... Oh! how I wish that path would hurry up and present itself already.

Word of the day: best friend.
What does this word mean? Because I truly have no clue what this word means or where it originates for in myself. I am such a hopeless person that I cannot find myself a true best friend. What does this tell me about myself? Where the hell am I going with my life? I need someone there to coordinate me with my decisions, not just help me better define them. I want someone there to tell me right from wrong, not give me reasons on both sides. Ah! I can't endure this torture anymore. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be lost. I want everything in my life that I see other people having. Where is my fun? Where is my smarts? Where are my friends? Boyfriend? Family?
I don't think I can grow up any faster...